Monday, 27 November 2017

it's a happy day.

yes,  indeed. the storm was over.

I'm doing fine.

I talk it clearly with my team member in AIESEC, not clearly to my team-mate tho, and just slightly tell my mom.

it's over now.

and now I really like others stories, what can I help with, it's not that because i felt guilty with myself...
It just... It kind feels sad? not to be heard? there's no one for you and I want to be that one(?)


and I found this article.

Blah, that typical article person. sorry.

You could get eight hours of sleep and you’d still feel like you stayed up all night. You could do nothing all day long and still feel exhausted, like you’ve just ran a marathon.

You don’t want to die, but you dig your nails deep into your skin whenever something bad happens, whenever you are upset, whenever you are angry, because it makes you feel better in a twisted way. You cause yourself pain and don’t think twice about it. 

You don’t want to die, but you starve yourself for no reason. You take horrible care of your body because you aren’t happy with it, you aren’t happy with anything. 
You don’t want to die, but you are tired of living. You are tired of caring. You are just plain tired.
Of course, you would never call yourself suicidal because you never think about swallowing pills or slitting your wrists (at least not in a serious way). You don’t consider yourself a self-harmer either because you never make yourself bleed — and if you do, it’s on accident. It’s never on purpose. It’s never intentional.
You can’t keep hurting your body like this, even in little ways, because you deserve better than that. You deserve to love yourself. You deserve to keep your hopes for the future high. You deserve to be treated kindly — especially by yourself.

I don't know why I read this article and feels so connected.
I feeling guilty right now, with my body? myself? my soul?

literally like.
yes, I think I'm okay. I'm not gonna do self-suicide tho. I'm just tired.

I'm just doing indirect self-harm.
there's no need to swallowing pills or slitting my wrist.
it just, I don't care about myself.

I'm sorry.
I'll treat you better.

Monday, 13 November 2017


for all the pain I've been through.

I still really loved article in thought catalog, especially this. for now.

I believe life is like a story, one broadcast on the air at that. Like a TV series, our lives are narratives in seamless transition from beginning to middle to ending. From pilot episode to series finale, it belongs to us and no one else. We write it, direct it, and star in it. We’re the ones in control of the plotline, with us as the protagonists of our own stories. And of course, we’re the ones who decide who the major characters are and what role they play in our tale. Enemies, best friends, lovers, we decide who to cast into those roles… and for how long.  
I want them to play the best friends role, for forever. but they resigned anyway. Even,

They are the Chandlers to our Joeys, the Marshalls to our Teds.

They were, tho.
Not everyone we were close to at one point stays forever. It’s a cold, harsh truth of life, one I’ve fought and fought over the years but to no avail.
I'm sure I have this beliefs when I was still in school, Idk is college made me weak.
In the end though I had your back and you had mine and we could climb up waterfalls and defy all gravity together. I swear, I thought for a second it could be this way forever. 
no, it couldn't,

So here I am, accepting reality as it comes. This is my subtle resignation to our downfall. This is the crack running between us. It’s my acceptance of all I couldn’t bridge.

Saturday, 11 November 2017


based on what happened to me in the past two months.
I realized I don't really like what I feel, and I don't want others to feel the same.

so there's a google form, called spread love in AIESEC Unsri. A platform where we can spreading the love, anonymously or not.

I start to write, all the appreciation from the deepest of my heart.

I do some research tho, about self-love letter and combine it with my personal pov.
like, if they don't love theirself much, let me love them. with all the desire.

until I saw this

To start off with, I am so proud of you. Life hasn’t been too easy on you lately, and I am truly sorry about that. But despite it all, you have managed to keep your head up and continue fighting throughout.

I'm literally shocked reading this kind of self-love letter. Like I was like, "Nah, I'm not proud of myself😒" "yes, it hasn't been easy😔", "yeah your sorry means nothing😒", "okay I keep my head up tho".

Be proud of everything you have gone through, and mostly, what you’ve become.
I was fucked up. I don't care about others. I'm blaming myself for everything. What if I didn't say yes at that time, What if I didn't continue, What if I didn't take that action. Why is it happen to me. Why now?
My friend once told me, "you should be grateful for all of this shit. You'll become stronger than ever after each one was overcome"
Yes, I've become stronger. But, I was thinking that, If the process will be that hard, I don't really mind not become stronger.😊
Stop being so hard on yourself. Everything will make sense to you one day. All the pain, hurt, and frustration will become worth it. Remember, everything happens for a particular reason. You are in the exact place you are meant to be right now. So breathe, be patient, and trust the course of your life. Let go of all the expectations you have created in your head. Accept reality as it comes. Accept life for what it is. 
"...................", my first impression for this paragraph.
it just yesterday before I read the article, I always said that my friend's reasons was NO MAKE SENSE AT ALL.
and then, it said, "Everything will make sense to you one day".
it will become worth it, NO IT'S NOT.
Remember, everything happens for a particular reason. Yes, I'm saying this to EVERY SINGLE PERSON who complain about their problem. yes. It's much more easier if you said it to others than to yourself yo.
accept reality as it comes. accept life for what it is. no, I won't accept it cause it hurts so f much.

Don’t take everything so personally and try to not let others get you down. Most of the time, things have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the other person. When people hurt you, try and understand their side of the story. Forgive them. Learn from their wrongdoings, and then let it remain in the past. Not everything is always how it appears.


Even though you think you are broken, there is so much beauty in your pain. Also, you’re really not as broken as you think you are. You are stronger than anything that has tried to tear you down. You are a survivor, not a victim. So with that, try not to be so hard on yourself, we both know you’re doing the best you can.
cried a lil bit. When finally there's someone who understand that, I'm doing my best.
I always think that what I did is useless.

Try not to rely too much on others for your happiness.

At the end of the day, all you are guaranteed is yourself, never forget this.

IT'S SO FUCKNG TRUUUUUU! all this shits happen because of me. I was relyinggg to my friends. I feel sorry for myself too.

Not everyone you have meet is meant to stay around forever. People will leave you. On the contrary, you will also leave others. People will disappoint you, and all you can do is learn to appreciate them for what they have taught you. Thank the people who have stayed. Fill the spaces of the ones who have gone.
 true tho. they left me. they want to come back. I left them. Thanks to make me realize about my stupidity tho.

Thank you for never giving up and being so tough. You inspire others and you lift them up. Stay strong. Stand up tall. Be more beautiful than ever. Make them wonder how you do it.
and yes, Your welcome.

and for you, thanks for reading this rant-post.😷

Friday, 10 November 2017


today is the day, I felt so lost and alone.

Why do I have to feel this way?  What’s the point of it all?  
Some people asked me to increase my feelings. But, the more I’ve experienced and explored my own feelings, the more I’ve realised how necessary these feelings are.

I'm the type of girl who keeps everything inside because I can't trust anyone. I'll googling instead.

and found this

then I read this article, till I cried.

So the people around you let you down.
from the very first..
I’m sorry that you are going through that. I really am. There are few feelings more frustrating than being unsupported when you need support most. Than reaching out and having no one respond. Than slowly falling apart and having nobody around to help keep you together.
it's really break my heart, why people that I don't know literally know how it feels like. while the others didn't know at all. didn't understand.
But here’s the truth about disappointment that we all loathe to acknowledge: It has very little to do with whoever let us down. Disappointment is entirely a construction of our own expectations. And no matter how many promises someone else made us, reality has no responsibility to comply with our expectations.
it's not about them. it's about me. who had high expectation for them. it just, I rely too much to my trust
We grow disappointed in the people around us because we use our own definition of love to measure what they are giving out and if it doesn’t match up, we mistake different love for no love. We get lost in translation and find ourselves reeling in pain and disappointment over a massive misunderstanding. It’s an endless, unnecessarily complicated cycle. 
yes. different types of caring kills me.

We have control over our reaction to love. We have control over whether or not we recognize that the ride someone gave us to work this morning was love. That the night someone came over and watched a movie with us because they sensed we were upset was love. That the friend who has no idea what advice to offer or what help to give, but who likes our Facebook statuses and invites us over to parties is showing love, in whatever form they know how to show it. We can appreciate those tiny, everyday actions or we can be bitter over them not being enough.
but I just can't appreciate what they did.

Because at the end of the day, that’s the only thing we have control over – how we manage our own care and affection.
I can't manage at all.

The more we pit our hopes and expectations on what others have to offer, the more we facilitate our own heartbreak.

it just my fault, to pit my hopes and high expectations.

Friday, 30 June 2017

Three Marketeers

Decided to make the second post as the 'throwback' day. 

Let me tell you, A Story about Three Mad-People.

Story about their first time in Marketing.

Story about 'kegabutan'.
Story about their randomness.

No, JK. it ain't story. it willl be a general describe about them. Don't expect too much?


I was an Attraction Manager(responsible for digital marketing) back then in AIESEC, and I need 2 Staffs.

1st Round I got Defita to help me for one year ahead
2nd Round, I dont want to elect anyone. but My Leader and Team-mate 'suggest' me to accept someone who ALLOCATED from other sub-function :))

This person. Eva. She didn't get elected in that sub-func 3 times. pretty tough huh. 

Eva was double role back then, OCP Xfair ya va? 
so she do the digital and physical marketing, in my deepest heart, "mati lo". gadeng. bercanda va :)

at the first time I was.... confused how to give them the task?
like, yes, I've been a manager before but I don't trust my staffs you know... so I don't give them the task
I do give them, but I do the task too.. so if they don't do it, I have the backups

yes, it ain't no good. 

okay, skip for the flashback 1516.

so at first Eva said that, "give me times for addapting" with 2 roles yea you know

there I give all the task to defita, HEHE sorry dep.

terus aku capek pake bahasa inggris.

terus setelah 3 bulan ada kayak behaviour assesment, dimana aku nge-asses eva. dan dia blg dia gabut, tidak berkontribusi, dan ingin bekerja.
dia minta waktu adaptasi seminggu kenapa malah jadi 3 bulan, ya salah ku sih.

karena pas dia minta waktu, jadi kebiasaan otomatis langsung chat ke defita terus ngeliat dia sibuk as OCP juga(iya ini salah, harusnya bodo amat dia sibuk. resiko double role HAHAHA)

terus ada suatu waktu karena saya tidak sengaja cerita personal problem lalu menjadi dekat, ehehehe..

lalu tiba-tiba jadinya sering video call bertiga, voice group call, kalo nganggur siapa lagi dimana samperin, lagi gabut ke kostan, beli merchandise kembaran :'' jalan-jalan, bonding, explore

yang harusnya flownya kalo sama staff tu
awkward dulu bagi kerjaan, baru enak buat ngasih kerjaan. kalo sama defita tuh kebalik
awalnya dia iya-iya aja kalo dikasih, sekarang yaAllah banyak kendak kau dep. gadeng canda.
Eva yang mempertanyakan eksistensi dia di aiesec tu ngapain... yang bahkan aku juga bingung ini anak kenapa lahir. bercanda lagi.

random eva bilang gapernah ke punti kayu, dan akhirnya kita ke punti kayu

hasil Behaviour Assesment menunjukkan defita striving for exellence dan eva enjoying participation. dua award untuk staff, dua2nya... mereka :(

ada sih foto pake baju AIESEC kembaran :( tapi saya gendut jadi tidak mau post! mau post foto aib dan komuk tapi tidak jadi, bingung milihnya. too much y u kno.

Farewell party 1617. congratulations eva for best staff and best OCP!
and Marketing for best department!

Welcome to 1718 defita as attraction manager and eva as Project coordinator oGV


Monday, 19 June 2017

not really a first post

Hi everyone, or should I say

hello anyone?

So, welcome to my new blog! woohooo!!!
my old blog was suspended by google eventho I dont really know why..
I've emailed them tho.
Bye my 9 yo blog :(

but, maybe it will be a new page. a new fresh start! *spreading positive vibes like a pro*

let me fill your free time with my randomness.

with luv,